7 ways to instantly turn a potential argument into a respectful, productive conversation
When we installed a new furnace in a rental property, the city’s mechanical inspector told me it didn’t pass code due to how the natural gas line was run.
I started to argue—I know the code—but challenging building inspectors is often counterproductive, whether on the current project or the next. Plus, I’m conflict-averse.
Fortunately, I remembered an approach Amanda Ripley calls “productive conflict” in her book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out: Instead of arguing, I should reframe disagreement as curiosity.
Instead of arguing, I said, “I didn’t realize that. Can you walk me through what’s wrong?”
I made sure to sound curious, not skeptical. (Respond defensively and you’ll automatically make the other person feel defensive.)
Research backs up the productive conflict approach. A study published in Cognitive Science found that rather than trying to win an argument, “arguing” to learn makes other people more receptive to your views.
As the researchers write:
Participants who engaged in cooperative interactions were less inclined to agree that there was an objective truth about that topic than were those who engaged in a competitive interaction. . . . When people are in cooperative arguments, they see the truth as more subjective.
In sum, people change their evaluation of truth to be consistent with the goals of their particular argumentative mindset.
Or in non-researcher-speak, if I challenged the inspector, he would be unlikely to change his mind, even in the face of better evidence. If I made him feel I want to learn, though, he might be more open to learning as well.
If you want to turn an argument into a productive conflict, here are some sentence starters Ripley recommends.
- “It’s interesting you say that. I was sure . . .”
- “I wonder if . . .”
- “I might be wrong, but . . .”
- “How funny! I had a different reaction . . .”
- “I’m curious. How did you come to that conclusion?”
- “I’m a little nervous about saying this, but . . .”
- “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand . . .”
Again, make sure you add a little uncertainty to your delivery. The goal is to sound genuinely curious, eager not to argue, but learn.
That’s especially important when you’re in a position of authority. An employee who makes a suggestion that runs counter to the way you normally do things—especially if you determine how those things are done—is primed to feel defensive.
Responding with, “Explain to me why that makes sense,” could instantly make them feel like it’s you versus them. Responding with, “I’ve never thought about it that way; can you walk me through it?” turns it into a conversation about the idea. Even if in the end you don’t agree, that’s okay: The employee will feel heard, understood, and valued. (Hearing no is a lot easier when your idea is genuinely considered, and you understand why no is the answer.)
Try it. The next time you disagree, or someone disagrees with you, don’t just counter. Use one of the starter phrases to first try to understand why they feel the way they do, because your conversation will be a lot more productive
In my case, it turned out that how we ran the piping did meet code. The city inspector just preferred another method because he felt it made the unit easier to work on in the future.
“I promise you’ll wish you had done it differently,” he eventually said after explaining his reasoning, “but it does pass.”
Would we have gotten there if I had argued? Maybe so. Maybe not.
But I do know he didn’t walk away feeling like he had lost an argument. I thanked him for the tip, told him it was a great idea, and said I would do it differently next time as a result.
Which means we both won.
—By Jeff Haden
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
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This article originally appeared on Fast Company’s sister website, Inc.com.
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